(For anyone looking for their hero in all the wrong places)
"No one's coming." When I was younger, I imagined I would meet a stranger on an airplane, and they would change my life. There was nothing wrong with my life, but still I imagined someone would come along and take me to new heights. Even in the last month, I've had the fleeting thought that some book publisher will happen upon this blog. But then I remind myself...No one is coming. I heard this phrase a few years ago while listening to lectures by Harvard's Tal Ben Shahar on Youtube. It has stayed with me ever since. "No one's coming," doesn't mean we don't need others. It doesn't mean we can't ask for help as we try to find our way. It means we can't sit on the side of the road and wait for someone to carry us to our destination. It means, there's no one out there who exists to make our dreams come true or to complete us. It means whoever or whatever we're imaging, lies within. Some might call it the soul, others might call it God/G-d. Other's will choose not to use words. Over the years, I've found within myself that stranger I'd longed to meet on the plane. As for the publisher? She's won't be coming either - she's been here all along. Courtney A Brown
0 Comments
(For anyone needing the help of a gatekeeper or
for anyone whose soul thinks they can change the world) Dear Mr. Zuckerberg, My name is Courtney. I write a blog about the soul. My posts are daily and respectfully brief. I'm not selling anything. I'm simply providing insights to help people listen to their inner voice and thus harness their greatest untapped potential so they can solve every last one of the world's problems. In short, the world needs my blog. I've regrettably discovered that those following my facebook page don't see most of my posts. This leaves me wondering, "How the hell am I supposed to change the world?" My typical approach would be to trust that Ms. Divine will get my posts in front of whoever is supposed to see them. But yesterday, Ms. Divine says to me, "Lovely thought, but if you really wanna 'increase your organic reach," you gotta talk to Zuck." This morning, I find myself turning to a couple (of the million) social networking gurus on Youtube. They're telling me, "If you don't want to pay Mark, the gatekeeper of all gatekeepers, then you gotta let your 'fans/followers' know if they want to see your once a day posts, they should go to the Days With The Divine Facebook page, click the "following" button, click on the little pencil for notifications and check on 'all posts'." But, I'm not going to do that, nor am I going to tell readers they should subscribe on this website if they'd like to get email notifications. What I'm going to do instead, is listen to Ms. Divine and ask you to give special attention to my facebook page,...so that my posts go viral. Respectfully and Humbly Yours, Courtney A Brown (For anyone whose soul is needing a beautiful view)
I feel lucky to have views from our home and my office - views feed my soul. Still, there are times, I need to go out into the world of strip malls, signage and other dreck that careless urban planning has left in its wake. I used to write a blog called "A World With a View,” about how our internal life is manifested in the physical spaces we create and how our spaces in turn impact our inner world. By spaces, I mean our rooms, work spaces homes, streets-capes, towns, cities, etc. For me, beautiful design is simple and to the best it can respects the natural world including the people in it. Though I'm lucky not to live in a war zone, I do live in a country where consumption and convenience is valued over the rest of the human experience. Endless views of fast-food and shopping store chains, along with their signage along wide roads and highways, reflect a lack care. Thoughtfulness doesn’t require money, it requires a state of mind. When not keeping me into a state of apathy, these spaces make me sad. I hear Pascal say, "In difficult times, carry something beautiful in your heart." I imagine Ireland. In my heart are ocean views, dramatic cliffs, tidy cottages and graceful green pastures. In my heart are winding roads lined with fuchsia hedges and stone walls. In my heart is the dignity with which the towns are laid out and the homes are cared for. In my heart is the lovely inconvenient narrowing in the road that insists that you slow down...make room...and engage with another soul on their way. Courtney A Brown (For anyone who feels too busy)
My favorite quote is by Henry David Thoreau. "Our lives are frittered away by detail. Simplify. Simplify." These words have kept me tethered to my soul, but as of late, I'm needing to return to them. After improved health and renewed energy, I've taken on too much. It's not that I have delusions that I'm indispensible, nor can I complain that I'm unable to say no when asked to do projects or committees. I'm become so good at saying no, no one asks me any more. My problem is that I've gladly chosen my work, this blog, and a couple other creative projects, all while continuing to address complicated (though not severe) health issues for my daughter and myself. I can be a machine when it comes to attending to the details I believe each of these require. If you know any machines, you know they're not the best at being present in their relationships with those they love or even with themselves. When my fatigue isn't telling me that I've recently passed a threshold, my soul is - "How long are you going to keep this up?"..."Does something bad have to happen for you to make a change?"..."What about regret for lost time?"..."When are you going to learn to be present?"..."What do you mean, 'What does that mean'?" ...and, the dreaded..."Ahem... Your life, as your doing it at the moment, is totally being frittered away," which she knows I really hate to hear. Courtney A Brown (For anyone who struggles with public speaking)
Me: I'm feeling anxious about a talk I'm about to give. I've come so far with my fear of public speaking, but this is a lot of people. I keep preparing and preparing...I’m overpreparing. I don't want to have to look at my notes or slides. I have too much on the slides. I don't even like slides...everyone looking at a wall - no human interaction. What I’d really like to do is stand there and talk out of my head, but I'm afraid I might freeze and get brain fog. Soul: Why are people coming? Me: To get information for themselves, their families, clients or patients. Soul: Do you think what you're talking about is useful to them? Me: I do,…I really do. Soul: So then, is this a performance, or is this you giving something that no one else can at this time or place? Me: It’s me giving. Soul: So are people coming to check you out, to judge you and tally the number of times you say "Um…," or are they coming because they think you have information that they might need? Me: That last one. I'm worried they might ask questions I won't be able to answer. Soul: Don't be defensive, and don't pretend to know something you don't. Tell them you don't know. They'll trust you more and have more confidence in what you do know. Before you start - breathe and remember you're there as a conduit of information and they're there because they have a need. Feel lucky you have something to bring to the universal table.....Just bring it... This isn't about you. This is bigger than you. Courtney A. Brown Yesterday I wrote the most amazingly insightful and humorous post. You can't imagine how life enhancing it was...but you'll have to, because I accidentally deleted it...or you could say, Ms. Divine intentionally did.
Last night I while considering the title for it, my eleven year old daughter asked me a question. I told her I was writing a conversation with my soul about public speaking and thought I'd title it, 'Just Bring It.' "You should call it, 'Public Speaking'" she tells me. I go on to explain in lofty abstract terms why the more subtle title works better. My husband chimes in, "'Just Bring It' works". I push "Publish" or so I thought, and the post is gone....forever. Now, I could've allowed my head to explode, or put guilt on my daughter whose question and excellent point distracted me into clicking the wrong button. I could've rushed to rewrite the post to assure that anxiety ridden public speakers throughout the world would have a spiritual reference tool to save them in their darkest moment. I could ponder all the reasons Ms. Divine stopped that post, including my seeking others approval (always a mistake), my overthinking and not posting immediately, and my needing yet another lesson in frustration tolerance. Instead, I decided Ms. Divine thought it sucked, closed my laptop and went to bed. Courtney A Brown (For anyone who hasn't yet met the authority or power that lies within)
I once heard a mentor use the term inner authority. I didn't know what he meant, and I didn't have any. I was a quintessential rule follower and people pleaser. *** Twenty years ago, I was one of four fellows in a training program. A fellow...fellow... had to leave, meaning the work of four would fall to three of us. This wouldn't have been the case if the faculty had actively recruited for the fourth position. I didn't want to work longer hours, but more, I didn't want to take on the burden of the faculty's failure to do its job. Having recently studied systems, I knew my fixing the problem - by agreeing to do more work - was going to further enable a dysfunctional system. While sitting in the office of my supervisor - a man with a knack for shaming and whom I feared, my inner authority showed up for the first time. She was calm, self possessed and matter-of-fact. "Really, I'll be perfectly fine if I don't finish this fellowship. I've done one year and have one year left. I could happily go and start my career now. If staying means more hours than I'm doing now and without more pay, well... I'm good to move on." We both knew the unspoken reality - my exit would leave only two fellows for whom it would be impossible to carry the load. The supervisors would have to do the work of the missing fellow, which was unprecedented. I wasn't threatening. I was ready to go. My inner authority decided what I could do and figured the other fellows and the supervisors could decide what they could do. How it worked out for everyone else, was not my problem. We don't always have the choice to "take it or leave it" (ie. when we depend on a situation to feed ourselves or family), but very often we do. The faculty chose to do the work of the missing fourth fellow. I finished the program. Though my career benefited from completing that fellowship, my confidence in my inner authority benefited far more. Courtney A Brown (For anyone with children (of any age) or anyone important in a child's life.)
And the woman from the back of the book store said, Speak to us of Children! And she said: "You think they're yours, ....but they're not...really. Sure, your job is to protect, feed, house and give them tools to flourish in this world But they're not yours to mold into replicas of you or who you long to be or want them to be. You can teach them to look inward for answers by listening well and giving them reasonable choices, or You can teach them only to do what they're told so they'll learn to follow authority or someday a domineering spouse that you'll wish you didn't have to spend family dinners with... You can show them gratitude by wisely providing what they need or you can give them everything their hearts desire so you can feel like an awesome parent who may someday feel irritated by and ache for entitled grandchildren. You can honor their passion and hard work so they can do great things for themselves and others, or you can pressure them to achieve so you can believe you've achieved as a parent who they may not have time for as they endlessly search the world for approval. You can teach them compassion by responding to their pain or you can teach them to toughen up, ignore their hurt so they'll learn their pain, their children's pain and even your pain doesn't really matter. You can teach them to approach the world with a kind and open heart or you can unburden yourself of your fears so they too can learn to fear and hate and you can spend precious moments together discussing how much better the world would be if it weren't for "those" people... Kahlil Gibran, in the "The Prophet" said, - 'You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.' but I guess if you want, you could stick them in the bow and arrow case until one day you wish you hadn't and you take them out to find that you've both become brittle and inflexible and no one may fly anywhere... but then you could always put your pride into the case and humbly recognize it's never too late to listen well, ask about their passion, show them compassion, and spend your precious moments talking about how it's never too late to fly. Courtney A Brown
For anyone who's ever been distracted by their ego)
It's been one month since I started this blog. I'm finding my days, these notes, and my life move along more seamlessly, when I rise early, exercise, open my heart, avoid thinking too hard, keep things simple, and stay off the internet for the first few hours of the day. The process of writing these posts has been invaluable to me. Yesterday was the first day, I took "off." I needed to. Having a day to refresh makes good sense, but there's more. My recent notes weren't easily falling out of my head, which left me wondering, "How did something so energizing start to feel like a chore?" We can lose motivation when we "have to" do something instead of choosing to, but no one's making me do this. I think there's a more powerful way that a passion and purpose filled act can lead to fatigue and that's when it stops serving the soul and serving others and starts serving the ego - when it becomes fueled by a desire for Facebook likes or the Nobel Prize ...in blogging. If I weren't writing these publicly or didn't have certainty that anyone was reading, would I do this? Would I take the time to explore a thought and see where it takes me, to set a tone for my day and to let the words fall out onto the page for me to read...on things I need help with? Yes,... I would, though doing this publicly has helped me keep my commitment to myself. This won't be the last time I'll have to tell my distracting ego - "I'm sorry, but you weren't invited and I'm going to have to ask you to leave." And, it won't be the last time I'll have to take up a chat with my soul and ask, "Now, why are we doing this?" But, as long as I'm having fun and believe there's benefit, for me and possibly others, then I'll keep this party going. Courtney A Brown To send this note to a friend: (For anyone wanting to live without worry of what others think)
I've been listening to Andra Day a lot lately. I love that she writes her own songs, her soulful voice, the title of her album "Cheers to the Fall," which is based on her belief that being open to failure has allowed her to flourish, ...and I love that she wears her hair up in a bandanna like Lucille Ball (who she's long admired). What each of these reflect and what I love most is her seeming lack of concern with what others think. I'd like to say the same for myself, after having peeled away many layers of self-consciousness over the years. But, there's one thing I've yet to do without fear of judgment, and that's to sing. Not just sing, but sing in front of others beyond my husband and daughter at home while we're cooking. It bothers me not to have enough freedom of spirit to do so. Whether talented or not, I believe singing is a universal expression, up there with speaking, smiling, laughing and crying. The same could be said for dancing. I, like many in these times have outsourced part of myself to artists. Until I do sing from the soul - my joy, my praise, my heartbreak..., I'm pretty sure I'm missing out on an intended part of the human experience. And though I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to remedy this, I do think it's one of those things that's going to require me to throw my knapsack over the wall. Courtney A Brown (For anyone needing to be in the moment and not 10 steps ahead)
I'd always imagined that whenever I reached the top of Skellig Michael,** I'd have an exhilarating moment up there in the blue sky with the bluer ocean below. Time would stand still with me and create an unforgettable memory. Missing from my vision was the "guide" at the bottom of Skellig Michael, who serves to instill caution/scare the hell out of visitors before directing them up the stone steps...without him. Also missing were the severe drop offs down the side of the mountain and into the ocean. Instead of barriers such as rails or ropes defacing this sacred place, there seems to be a common sense understanding that if one goes up the 600 steps and fall to their death,...well...'sometimes that's just bound to happen...such is life.' Reaching the top, I realized the only thing scarier than going up, would be coming down, when the views of the drop offs are almost impossible to avoid. The monks went up and down these steps regularly. They likely often had mist or fog on their side and could see only the step before them. I could do that. I could just look at one step at a time. I had to, because if I looked beyond or looked to see what someone else was doing, the disorienting view might throw me...such is life... Exhilaration came only after we reached the bottom. With it came a sense of peace. I had felt compelled to make it to Skellig Michael and from this sacred place, I'd received a lesson in being present - in being in the moment and in trusting that when I come upon an unstable step or I'm unsettled by a gust of wind, ..I'll deal with it...but not before. Courtney A Brown **Skellig MIchael is a steep rocky Island about an hour by boat off the coast of Ireland. Because of its remote location and the limitation on the number of visitors, the 7th century montastery at the top has been well preserved. The monastery is reached by climbing 600 stone steps laid by the monks.
Have you ever loved a song - one that you really connected with. Then, you saw the video and thought, "Whoa, that's not what I imagined at all."...and it kind of ruined it for you,... or you listened regularly to someone on the radio and then saw their picture and they weren't who you visualized. That happened to me with Lynne Rossetto Kasper (of Splendid Table on NPR). Then there's the movie that couldn't possibly be based on the book you read.
We live in an increasingly visual world with less and less opportunity to "see" what lies behind the images. We also have less opportunity for our imagination to be a co-creator of our experiences. If we all read the same book or listen to the same song, we imagine them very differently - we'd put our own take on them. Yet, if we go to the same movie, we'll more likely have a similar experience. In the world of blogging, it's arguable I should have my picture on this site. A social networking guru would say it would help you feel more connected to me. But, I'm not convinced that's the case when it comes to matters of the heart. I'm hoping these "notes" are not about me or you in the typical sense, but about my soul, your soul, our collective souls and whatever they imagine or create. Courtney A Brown
(For anyone needing permission to follow their bliss or anyone wanting to encourage a child to follow theirs).
Today I've been thinking about times I've thrown myself into an activity without 'good reason.' I painted wooden balls, (a few I've photographed above). I made collages out of cut paper like in the image on the right. I wrote poems and songs. Most recently, I started writing this blog. My 'day job' is not as an artist, songwriter or blogger, and yet I've deeply immersed myself in each of these. They've taught me how to listen to myself and have engaged me more deeply with others, my work and the world. A few years ago, I wrote my daughter a poem about this, called, "Follow the Energy." Before life goes on I want you to know To follow the energy Wherever it goes Everyone is different That's part of the trick Follow theirs and You will be sick You may have a thought An urge or a drive You must pay attention It'll keep you alive It might be a song That's stuck in your head Play it again Hear what it said It might be a feeling When you pick up a book Turn every page There's reason to look You may have to go To the ends of the earth You won't have a choice If it's calling you forth You have an old dream You have to explore You get just one life To open your door At times you'll be wrong You'll hurt, you might cry Live out your moments Don't let them pass by And know as you search For that which is true I'll live in your heart I'm always with you Your passion is there It wants to be found Don't ever settle Your feet on the ground Courtney A Brown (For anyone needing permission to be bold ...or ...for any Muhammad Ali fans out there) This weekend, I was bolder than usual. I went so far as to quote myself and posted about my intention to save the world with this blog. If you met me, the word bold would not come to mind. My soul, however, would tell you I am that and more. The soul loves bold. Leonard Cohen liked to say, we're all heroes in our own myth. There is no better example of someone who lived out their myth than Muhammad Ali. My early impression of Ali was an over-the-top arrogant boxer. When he said, "I'm the greatest," I heard him say he was better than everyone else. After listening more closely, I came to appreciate Ali as an artist and poet, in addition to an athlete, performer, activist and humanitarian. Aside from "fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee", he wrote poetry. I realized his greatest gift was his ability to let his soul shine through, unfiltered and unapologetic. He never asked for permission to be the hero in his own myth; he just was. By doing so, he excelled in his passion, spoke from his heart, stood up for what he believed, and embodied more compassion and purpose than most of us can imagine. If Muhammad Ali was the greatest, it's because he showed us what can happen if we tap into our own magic. He showed us how to remove barriers between our outer self and our inner self (the soul), which inevitably removes the barriers between us. As I look at Ali's face on the magazine here on my desk, and I think about his modest grave-site just 10 minutes away, I can hear him say, "I was the greatest...You are the greatest...We're all the greatest." Courtney A Brown To send this note to a friend: (For anyone needing to listen to their inner voice.) While at a dinner the other night, a close friend mentioned this blog. Someone else overheard and asked me what it's about. Until then, I wasn't quite sure. "Basically it's about the idea of listening to oneself - listening to our inner voice, which I would call the soul. It's about our inner dialogue. Though I write a lot about my own 'interior landscape', my goal isn't to keep a personal diary. I hope that by sharing some of my inner life, others will pay more attention to theirs - they'll take up a chat with their own soul, or hear something within they might otherwise ignore. I'm not opposed to chatting with others, it's just I think that place within us is severely neglected and holds great wisdom, creativity and solutions to challenges and real world problems. I think we're taught to look elsewhere for our answers - our parents, teachers, peers, religious institutions, leaders, doctors, therapists, experts and now even screens. We experience our lives from the outside in, instead of the otherway around. By the time we're adults, our inner voice is buried deep and it's not until mid-life that some of us will go searching it out. Many never will. I think great sufferring comes when we don't know how to look inward. It doesn't have to be that way. We could have more of a vocabulary to describe the soul - words that don't require a religious or psychologic framework. We could teach children and adults to trust that knowing part of themselves. We could even give tools to help access that source of power (not a dominating power, but a greatly needed superpower)..............Basically, I'm taking it upon myself to save the world, by excavating the soul - our greatest human resource...by bringing it into everyday language...........What do you like to do for fun?" Courtney A Brown To send this note to a friend:
(For anyone who, like myself, has struggled with believing they know what's right for others.)
There was a time, I thought that to help someone at a crossroads in their life, I had to give them a detailed map, program their GPS, or tell them exactly where to go - which way to turn. Then there was a time, I'd tried to hold back, bite my lip, and tell myself it was none of my business, BUT ...if they asked me, I'd jump right in with my sage advice. There was a time, I didn't say a thing, but was annoyed when they made a sh*ty decision. Of course, I'd never admit I was annoyed...it was just that they were so clearly making a mistake...I didn't want to see them hurt...I didn't want to hear about it when...." Then there was the time, I'd thought, "Well, they're just going to have to live and learn,...that's right,... live and learn..." There was also the time, I didn't say a thing..."Not my problem," I'd think...before patting myself on the back for my excellent boundaries. All of those times were more about me than the person I thought I was helping - my need to control their outcome and my knack for judging. Now, when I hear about a decision someone is making or has made, that I don't necessarily agree with, the better part of me chimes in... "Who the hell are you to agree or disagree, or know what's right for them or anyone else...When did you walk down that exact same path, have their exact life experiences, wear those exact shoes...what makes you think your inner compass has anything to do with their journey...and what makes you think a seemingly bad idea in the short term, isn't an ideal decision for the long term." Someone once said to me, "The best way to help someone at their crossroads, is to listen well so they can hear themself." Actually I said that. I'd gotten tired of quoting others, and decided it was time I started quoting myself. It was about the time that I stopped questioning everyone else's inner voice, and started listening to my own. Courtney A Brown To send this note to a friend: "I'm having brain block, I tell my husband, as he works at his desk. "Maybe it's PMS. I hope this blog doesn't start to read like my cycle...Nothing's really getting my attention.....except some annoying Amazon Prime commercial..". "In it, there's this shy young boy - maybe four. His father drops him off for the first day of preschool...The father's face looks sad as he sees his son alone through a window. The unbearable sadness he has for his son lasts less than one second when he pulls out his cell phone, clicks an item on Amazon Prime....Problem solved!" "The next scene, the boy is at school wearing a superman costume with all the kids happily gathered around him. He's thrilled. THANK THE LORD....All is good in the world. The father feels good. He's the real superhero. Thank you Amazon Prime for helping that dad rescue his son with that costume in one day. God forbid that dad have to feel sad for a full second. Nothing like an iPhone and instant shopping to eliminate the human condition. The boy is now perfectly fine, because he has friends...you know, deep friendships based on an exterior facade, a material possession, a false outer self, a ****ing superman costume...Finally at the age of four, he's learned friends are those who'll admire and envy him for the ego his parents are reinforcing with every crappy decision they make....Forget that father lending the little guy some confidence, or just giving the situation some time, or helping him learn how to look within himself for a solution, maybe he could have looked another preschooler in the eye, said an awkward hello or even something silly. Who forgot to teach that dad that sad is okay...he can survive it. Now that little boy is facing a life sentence as a narcissist who can't find his soul - who is dependent on image, a big income and a closet full of superman costumes. And you know what?...You know all those other Amazon Primed kids flocking around him, admiring and envying his costume?... Those are the ones who are going to elect him president some day....Dammit!" "Maybe the dad was just trying to help him out," my husband says casually, as he continues to sort papers...."oh...and by the way,...you have a package from Amazon on the counter." Courtney A. Brown To send this note to a friend: |
Author
"Divine" references the soul, our collective souls and the mystery of life. ArchivesCategories
All
|