For anyone who's ever been distracted by their ego)
It's been one month since I started this blog. I'm finding my days, these notes, and my life move along more seamlessly, when I rise early, exercise, open my heart, avoid thinking too hard, keep things simple, and stay off the internet for the first few hours of the day. The process of writing these posts has been invaluable to me. Yesterday was the first day, I took "off." I needed to. Having a day to refresh makes good sense, but there's more. My recent notes weren't easily falling out of my head, which left me wondering, "How did something so energizing start to feel like a chore?" We can lose motivation when we "have to" do something instead of choosing to, but no one's making me do this. I think there's a more powerful way that a passion and purpose filled act can lead to fatigue and that's when it stops serving the soul and serving others and starts serving the ego - when it becomes fueled by a desire for Facebook likes or the Nobel Prize ...in blogging. If I weren't writing these publicly or didn't have certainty that anyone was reading, would I do this? Would I take the time to explore a thought and see where it takes me, to set a tone for my day and to let the words fall out onto the page for me to read...on things I need help with? Yes,... I would, though doing this publicly has helped me keep my commitment to myself. This won't be the last time I'll have to tell my distracting ego - "I'm sorry, but you weren't invited and I'm going to have to ask you to leave." And, it won't be the last time I'll have to take up a chat with my soul and ask, "Now, why are we doing this?" But, as long as I'm having fun and believe there's benefit, for me and possibly others, then I'll keep this party going. Courtney A Brown To send this note to a friend:
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(For anyone wanting to hear from their soul.)
I haven't always wanted to hear from my soul. Sure, it was fine if it called while I was taking a shower, a walk or a drive. I was happy to get any ideas or answes to problems it might give. I just didn't want to be alone with it for too long. I feared it would tell me things my ego didn't want to hear - direct me to follow my bliss, insist I do something difficult, or speak some truth,...blah...blah...blah... "I can't hear you...We must have a bad connection...buzz buzz...." I might say before grabbing my laptop to check email or Facebook or get busy with...anything. Then I got sick and began getting up earlier to allow myself extra time. Like most souls, mine was waiting for moments of solitude. Noticing I was up by myself, it began talking in my ear. "Forget about your carcass." It didn't want to talk about what ailed me. It wanted to talk about bigger things like, "Why are you here?" It began to make dares, thinking this could be great fun; after all, it had been dormant for some time. It asked me for a chance - to I trust it a bit. Soon, it was insisting I make time for it... every day..... After it assured me it wouldn't speak to me through email, facebook or the news, I agreed to forgo these for the first 3 hours of the day. Overtime, we worked things out to our current routine. I wake at 4:30 and try to be receptive and open to whatever it has to say. Even though it's less interested in my carcass, I still get up, change clothes...drink a glass of water...stretch...drive to gym. There, I workout to my soul's favorite songs, which is when it starts tossing me goodies, at times, faster than I can jot them down them in my little notebook, without falling off the treadmill. It seems this soul has a lot to say - ideas, inspirations, solutions, dares but mostly feelings of peace and contentment, none of which I could hear, when I kept putting it on hold. Courtney A. Brown To send this note to a friend:
(For anyone looking for more time.)
Despite wanting to write a daily post, I didn't think I had the time. "More than 30 minutes a day and this may not be sustainable," I told myself. Still, yesterday I wrote a post, changed it, changed it again, posted, noticed something I didn't like, changed it... "That word doesn't work," and again and again. I could argue I was striving for excellence, but I was striving for perfection. There's a difference. One is about confidence, the other - fear. Either way, it was Sunday. I had time. But today is Monday, and for me to do this, which I love, I have to trust whatever comes to mind, round it out and put it into the world, without overthinking. As my minutes run short, I realize this is a metaphor for life. We have a beginning and we have an end. Inevitably we're out of time. With these limits we have the opportunity to create our days, live them out spontaneously and ultimately answer Mary Oliver's question, "What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" Courtney A. Brown To send this note to a friend: Today I begin my 50th year. As a gift to myself, I'm accepting a challenge - something I've wanted to do for some time. You might say I've been preparing as long as I've been here.
In my ideal life, I'd get up early each morning, spontaneously write a thought, round it out to completion and toss it into the universe. Because time is limited, I would never overthink, over censor or excessively edit. There's nothing to this,... if ego/fear, self criticism and perfectionism weren't all standing in the way. Each of these can give me lists of reasons why this is a bad idea. Why is it a good idea? I can't say. But, I do believe there's a knowing in each of us that requires no explanation. That's the part I'd like to converse with each morning. That's the part I think is showing me a fork in the road. One route looks a bit boring, possibly even lined with regret. The other looks daring and difficult, and for me requires a daily practice of letting go, pushing "publish" and seeing where this takes me. Courtney A. Brown |
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